


Reflections of River

by mallorysendings



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-25 12:49:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9821159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mallorysendings/pseuds/mallorysendings
Summary: This is a VERY old fanfiction that I likely wrote in 2010, or 2011... Not sure when exactly.My writing, editing and spelling have improved a lot, and have little patience to clean up this fiction but wanted to share it anyway.





	1. Chapter 1

Staring up at the grated metal above his head Malcom Reynolds contemplated series of encounters and events that had led him to this moment of clarity and whole feeling that absorbed inside of him. Sure he still had that special place in hell still assigned for his derriere, but at this moment limbs woven in cool sheets with a warm cheek upon his shoulder he was in heaven, no paradise could compare to the satisfaction and pleasure he had found in his young pilots arms. He had fought so hard to not give into the temptation that his little albatross drove him to.

Laying his head back he thought of when Inara had left. She had only stayed long enough for her and Mal to realize that nothing between them would be easy. Attraction and admiration was there aplenty between the two but respect and love could never follow. Mal had felt angry at women and the inflexibility that he had faced with respects to the delicate gender.

He had attempted to move on and focus on work but River had always made that difficult. He had taken her out for the first time in a while into a crowded bar. She had begged, and Jayne also spoke up. It had surprised him that Jayne’s argument was so unexpectedly good that Mal was forced to allow her to come.

Once inside the bar talkin' business like usual with a prospective client as Inara would call them. His wary eye on River and the televised broadcast. He hoped to not regret his lenience.

River gave him a shy smile as though to say she was alright. He could not be calm however. He noted a glint of mischief and mystery in her eye. What was that girl up to? He looked at Jayne who also watched River with keen eyes.

Shaking his head he gave his attention back to the Belsineli brothers. Two clean shaved suits.

“So boys, what is the business?” he asked.

The looked at each other then back to him, “You seem rather distractible Mr. Reynolds…perhaps...”

Mal looked at them narrowly. “Captain.” Correcting their mistake.

The one closest to Mal leaned forward as he spoke ,“My apologies, Captain. But we need confidence in our business matters and our meeting has not adequately satisfied our expectations.”

“Your expectations being what? Not distractible?” he looked to Jayne. “Am I distractible?”

Jayne leaned on the table displaying menacingly, his large bicep. “Nah… Like a dog with a bone he is, when he sets his mind on something.”

Mal grinned cocky. “Like a dog with a bone. Eh, I say that’s pretty damned fixated.”

The Besineli brothers stood. “All the same, we have made our decision.”

Mal nodded and leaned back in his chair as if he hand not a care in the world. His reactor core and piston were limping as Kaylee informed him and they were low on fuel. They needed a job. He finally gave into his desire to keep an eye on River and found her gliding from partner to partner on the dance floor. She blushed prettily he thought. She from the looks of it danced with a dozen or more men, who groped and fondled her. Mal felt anger flare as he took note of her dancing and moving provocatively among them. He stood up throwing the chair behind him ignoring the two that they wanted business from. He strode to the middle of the floor and took her by the arm.

“Girl, I'm not going be allowin' you off the ship if this is what you are going to be up to.” He pulled her off the dance floor as two men stepped forward.

“Hey, if’n the lady be wantin' to stay she be stayin'.” The man said in his thick drunken state.

Mal looked at the man and just saw red. He swung at him, landing a punch solid against his jaw. Mal shook his hand in pain. “Ugh, Never hit a man with a closed fits.” he told himself.

All the men she had been dancing with all rushed forward to lend aid. River took out Mal’s gun. She was so quick he was unable to stop her. She held it out calmly. “Stop.” She ordered, pointing the gun on all of them. Swinging it around. Facing them all.

Mal felt his pulse in his neck pounding. Would she kill them? Had she been set off?

“You all need to back up.” She warned.

River never spoke when triggered, Mal rationalized.

River lowered the gun a fraction, but still indicating her and the gun as a potential threat. “I appreciate your kind invitation to stay boys, but you see. I was playing a dirty trick, on my unobservant husband.” She looked behind her eying him to go along with it. “Im sorry Bao bei, I will make it up to you when we get home.”

“Oh I bet you will.” One voice rang out in the crowd.

River looked back at the group. “Now, may I lower my gun, or do I need to shoot one of you?” her clear voice rang out.

“Alright Lady, shame you playin tricks on your man.” One scolded as River turned and returned the gun to Mal. He looked disbelieving.

“Real pistol.” Said another.

River leaned against him. “Put your arm around me.” She commanded in whispered tones.  
Jayne followed at the rear slipping unnoticed though the crowd. Once outside Jayne jumped ahead.

“Got it?” he asked gruffly.

River moved her hands around her body and passed wallets off to him discreetly. Jayne took them and high tailed it out of the vicinity.

Mal let go of River thinking it no longer necessary to keep up pretenses.

“Husband?” he asked outraged. “And the wallets?”

River beamed. “Captain, you were brilliant! Jayne did not even have to step in. Pounced like a cheetah would. If one were alive. I could not help myself, husband was more believable than father.” She giggled.

“The wallets River?” he said. “Could have been caught.”

River smiled walking away. “Learned from the Academy, and a few tricks learned from you.” She turned back around. “It was Jaynes idea…Blame him.”

Mal grew angry as he followed after her. “It's not Jayne taking all the risks. It's you.” He grasped her arm and yanked her back. Miscalculating he pulled too hard and she slammed hard against him the wind knocked out of himself.

“I am sorry.” She said breathlessly.

Mal choked. “No, I am sorry.” He pulled her up against him as a group of people moved around them. “We will have a talk about this on the ship later, little one. But for now, lets just get back to the ship.”  
Mal glared at Jayne who sat on top of crates in the cargo bay counting money. River stealthily walked to him.

“You have misplaced some.” River fingered his jacket. “Have you forgotten, you cannot screw me over?” she asked.

Jayne smiled embarrassed. “Ugh, yeah…I guess it’s a force of habit.”

River smiled warmly, “Im sure. But being that you have no client…this money should go to the ship.” She directed.

Jayne looked ready to protest but he just groaned and shoved it all to her. “Fine, it was my Gorram idea anyway.” He said leaving the cargo bay and the coin.

River looked at it. “Captain, It should be more than enough. The Alliance paper currency is not widely accepted in the outer Ring, but if we travel closer in, Serenity can be refueled and these turned into some coin. Maybe enough to pay the crew some.” She shrugged. “Bout as good as a job.”

Mal nodded, “Yeah, but we don’t resort to petty theft.” but was still angry at the provocative way she danced, her thievery…then she stole his gun. It was all too much for him. It would be a while before her or Jayne would be allowed off the ship.

River cocked her head. “No…you salvage, picking the meat off the carcass. And plan elaborate heists. That potentially always blow up in your face. Now this was easy money for me, and you are going to take it and just accept that I did something good for Serenity.” she stiffened her spine. “You can just put your lofty ideals back in the cupboard till you have need of them again.” She shoved the money into his hand and walked away from him.

The Gorram Girl, he noted the sway of her hips as she exited. Shaking his head he counted the cash. River was already up in the bridge closing preparing the ship to exit the atmo. Mal sat in his seat.

“River, I just don’t like you planning things behind my back. Your bother trusted me to watch over you today…Keep you out of trouble.” He said belting in.

River flipped switches acting as though she ignored him but chose to address him all the same. “Captain, I was under the impression that I protected you.”

Mal looked at her and stuttered. “Well, I uh, suppose you do. But a man likes to protect whats his.” He said.

River smiled shyly at him. “And you consider me yours?” she asked implying much.

Mal’s mouth went dry. “Well no not mine, but your my crew.” He said trying to back pedal. 

River smiled knowingly at him. He cursed that look. It was as though she knew something he tried to hide. But how could that be? She was after all his crew he rationalized.


	2. Chapter 2

A few nights later He was sitting on the ship bridge overlooking the flight path when he heard soft footsteps. They were know to him now. She was the only one on the ship that ever walked bare footed he mused that her feet must always be cold.

Without looking Mal cleared his throat. “Morning Little one.”

River walked to her seat and pulled her knees in. A sad worried expression on her face. “My eyes burn with emotions not my own.” She whispered.

Mal’s jaw clenched. “Now what have I told you about listening in to my thoughts girly?” he asked seriously.

River looked at him straight in the eye. “You have said people got no business in your head…but it is not girls fault when feelings punch girl in the face. Makes girl forget she is not the one upset…gets all loud and confusing up here.” She pointed to her head.

Mal looked at her sadly. It was not comforting to hear she was in as much misery as himself. He smiled at her trying to find joy.

River eyes having never left his touched the ships wheel. “Serenity is joy….Love keeps her in the sky.” She whispered standing up and walking to him. She leaned down, her lips nearly touching the skin of his cheek. “Find something to love, like the girl has. It will hold you through the nightmare and bring you into peace.” Mal felt her lips brush against his cheek like a whisper. His cheek tingled and his hand absently went to where her lips had touched his. It reminded him of electricity.

Mal thinking about her words could not resist asking the burning question that Rivers statement had brought to his mind. “What did you find?”

River stopped and turned to look at him. “I found Serenity…and its crew, Her captain.” She whispered lastly.

Mal turned in reaction to her comment and found her gone. He leaned back in the chair thoughtful. Mal shook his head a few times in disbelief at their conversation. The Girl had changed so much in two months since Miranda. She talked mostly sense now, but her meds and her actions we occasionally still mildly erratic.

Most recently she had broken dishes in the kitchen just to watch the pieces fall.

“Broken, sharp shards. Many ways to hurt, mess…” she had said in trance. Mal had been there and she had snapped out of it, but it was still unsettling to have her about fiddling…or breaking things on his Gorram ship. He still had misgivings about allowing her to Pilot, but she was better at it than he was. He could not land at all without crashing …once was enough. He was delighted she seemed capable, but her mental faculties were permanent pressing concern. But then again so were his. He sighed and pressed a few buttons and a signal came up on the console. He tapped it and selected the Wave.

The operatives face came into view. “Captain Reynolds.”

Mal had to rub his eyes. “Ugh, did I not warn you that I did not wish to lay eyes on you again?”

Cockin' one eyebrow he eyes the captain decidedly. “I have news… Not good but you need to know.”

Mal shrugged. “Never is.”

“Its about River Tam,” the opereative started.

Mal rolled his eyes. “ah now I thought this was going to be about me?” he said sarcastically.

The operative sighed. “Captain Reynolds, she will be in more danger than ever before. We all will be. I am not trusted, but maintain my connections. I have found everything out about river, what she is what she was going to be used for… and what she failed at.” He looked down obviously disturbed. Mal read that it was sadness.

Mal leaned forward desiring, hungering to know about his young crew member.

“She was to be the new era of weapon. Spy, assassin…lover. A tool to be used in any way…the perfect slave. Her job was just about any role needed. Superhuman killing instincts, The mind reading were just a tool for the spy and assassin they hoped to create. unfortunately she is an empath…she feels everyone’s emotion, she doesn’t want to, she may not be able to fight it. That made her uncontrollable…sympathetic to her potential victims. No amount of programing can overcome the empathy in her they tried and that was the cause of her mental instability. They forced her mind too far. Experts advised her to be put down, but seems there was other plans made for her before that ultimate fate.”

Mal’s mouth went dry. “So she was not usable?”

The operative shook his head. “No she was still very much of use, just in a different manner.”

Mal furrowed his brows confused.

“She was being harvested…her eggs and her cells. Cloning and genetic testing…they are two and a half years of development. River is a mother a couple dozen times over. And she has/will have had” he corrected himself. “child clones of her as well… the clones are experimentations. Not many survive long. I recently was in there collecting documentation and saw the subjects. She was a beautiful child.” He said with apparent remorse.

“You speak in past and present tense?” he asked.

The operative shifted. “I cannot speak on that at this time.” He eyed the screen. “She will be wanted for her genetic material…though. That much I know. The records indicate that all her eggs had been harvested.so I am sorry to inform you, and her in turn that by the indication of her records that she is sterile. But it is also a blessing, means they wont be able to make genetically stable children.” He sighed. “But the clone experiments were very promising, so they need her for more.”

Mal scoffed. “Aint likely she is going to be given them that.”

The operative nodded. “Good.” He said. “Be prepared for River to be more wanted now than ever before, all your contacts that know river will sell you out.” He warned. “Best you just lay low. I have a job for you… Keep River hidden in the black and on rim planets. I will fund your needs…cant risk your normal interactions with thieves right now. Go to Perthinol, and meet Garvis. He will give you what you need. And please, keep River safe… but if she falls for any reason, destroy her with fire, leave no biological material.” The operative warned. “Even her copse could be used.” He said coldly.”I am ending this transmission now. I bid you good luck and I will contact you again when my plans come more into fruition. Good day.”

Mal narrowed his eyes. It upset him thinking of river dying. He shut off the wave broadcast and turned his chair. How would she react to this news, did she already know?

He heard the padded feet and her even fast breaths. “She is never to grow up.” River whispered.

Mal looked at her eyes filled with tears. “Girls pain, not others, but her own…she will not know life as wife and mother.” She dropped to the ground and Malcolm dropped to the floor to help her. He awkwardly draped his arms around her shoulders.

Mal leaned his head against hers feeling a little of her own pain. He two mourned the fact he had never been husband or father really…He never found the right one.

“Yeah but you could still have children…if you mated with a woman…but I cannot have a child so I will never be a woman. Only child, girl, little one.” She spat.

Mal smiled and tilted her chin to look up at him. “You are a mother.” He whispered. “You had, and possibly still have children.”

River shook her head. “Not mine…really, Alliance, academy, belong to them. Grew in their womb… not mine.” She touched her concave stomach. “empty here…always.”

Mal tucked her in against him on the floor. “It will be alright.” He kissed the top of her head. “It will turn out fine and shiny, just don’t forget about the love you found.” He said thinking strongly on the word love…she had advised him to find something to love, she gave good advice that he too should follow.

“I will be fine captain the pain will ease…perhaps or it will bury its self.” River said looking up at him. Her lips so close he loathed to admit he thought about touching them with his own. It was an embarrassing thought that he hoped she did not pick up on. She blinked a spark of hope in her eyes only to be dashed he wondered? Did she have feelings for him? He shook his head, best not to think about such complicated things and wrong, he added in his head.

River stood and eyed him meaningfully. He was at a loss to understand what it was that went on in her moon brained head of hers as Jayne would call it.

“Thank you, captain.” She said leaving the bridge. “I will not come around…it disturbs you.” She blinked as though broken. Mal reached to stop her, but she was too quick.

Mal rubbed his eyes, the memory of his confusion at the time was still palatable. It was the beginning for him when it came to river, the beginning of understanding her worth to him.


	3. Chapter 3

A few nights later He was sitting on the ship bridge overlooking the flight path when he heard soft footsteps. They were know to him now. She was the only one on the ship that ever walked bare footed he mused that her feet must always be cold.

Without looking Mal cleared his throat. “Morning Little one.”

River walked to her seat and pulled her knees in. A sad worried expression on her face. “My eyes burn with emotions not my own.” She whispered.

Mal’s jaw clenched. “Now what have I told you about listening in to my thoughts girly?” he asked seriously.

River looked at him straight in the eye. “You have said people got no business in your head…but it is not girls fault when feelings punch girl in the face. Makes girl forget she is not the one upset…gets all loud and confusing up here.” She pointed to her heat.

Mal looked at her sadly. It was not comforting to hear she was in as much misery as himself. He smiled at her trying to find joy.

River eyes having never left his touched the ships wheel. “Serenity is joy….Love keeps her in the sky.” She whispered standing up and walking to him. She leaned down, her lips nearly touching the skin of his cheek. “Find something to love, like the girl has. It will hold you through the nightmare and bring you into peace.” Mal felt her lips brush against his cheek like a whisper. His cheek tingled and his hand absently went to where her lips had touched his. It reminded him of electricity.

Mal thinking about her words could not resist asking the burning question that Rivers statement had brought to his mind. “What did you find?”

River stopped and turned to look at him. “I found Serenity…and its crew, Her captain.” She whispered lastly.

Mal turned in reaction to her comment and found her gone. He leaned back in the chair thoughtful. Mal shook his head a few times in disbelief at their conversation. The Girl had changed so much in two months since Miranda. She talked mostly sense now, but her meds and her actions we occasionally still mildly erratic.

Most recently she had broken dishes in the kitchen just to watch the pieces fall.

“Broken, sharp shards. Many ways to hurt, mess…” she had said in trance. Mal had been there and she had snapped out of it, but it was still unsettling to have her about fiddling…or breaking things on his Gorram ship. He still had misgivings about allowing her to Pilot, but she was better at it than he was. He could not land at all without crashing …once was enough. He was delighted she seemed capable, but her mental faculties were permanent pressing concern. But then again so were his. He sighed and pressed a few buttons and a signal came up on the console. He taped it and selected the Wave.

The operatives face came into view. “Captain Reynolds.”

Mal had to rub his eyes. “Ugh, did I not warn you that I did not wish to lay eyes on you again?”

Cockin one eyebrow he eyes the captain desidedly. “I have news… Not good but you need to know.”

Mal shrugged. “Never is.”

“Its about River Tam,” the opereative started.

Mal rolled his eyes. “ah now I thought this was going to be about me?” he said sarcastically.

The operative sighed. “Captain Reynolds, she will be in more danger than ever before. We all will be. I am not trusted, but maintain my connections. I have found everything out about river, what she is what she was going to be used for… and what she failed at.” He looked down obviously disturbed. Mal read that it was sadness.

Mal leaned forward desiring, hungering to know about his young crew member.

“She was to be the new era of weapon. Spy, assassin…lover. A tool to be used in any way…the perfect slave. Her job was just about any role needed. Superhuman killing instincts, The mind reading were just a tool for the spy and assassin they hoped to create. unfortunately she is an empath…she feels everyone’s emotion, she doesn’t want to, she may not be able to fight it. That made her uncontrollable…sympathetic to her potential victims. No amount of programing can overcome the empathy in her they tried and that was the cause of her mental instability. They forced her mind too far. Experts advised her to be put down, but seems there was other plans made for her before that ultimate fate.”

Mal’s mouth went dry. “So she was not usable?”

The operative shook his head. “No she was still very much of use, just in a different manner.”

Mal furrowed his brows confused.

“She was being harvested…her eggs and her cells. Cloning and genetic testing…they are two and a half years of development. River is a mother a couple dozen times over. And she has/ will have had” he corrected himself. “child clones of her as well… the clones are experimentations. Not many survive long. I recently was in there collecting documentation and saw the subjects. She was a beautiful child.” He said with apparent remorse.

“You speak in past and present tense?” he asked.

The operative shifted. “I cannot speak on that at this time.” He eyed the screen. “She will be wanted for her genetic material…though. That much I know. The records indicate that all her eggs had been harvested.so I am sorry to inform you, and her in turn that by the indication of her records that she is sterile. But it is also a blessing, means they wont be able to make genetically stable children.” He sighed. “But the clone experiments were very promising, so they need her for more.”

Mal scoffed. “Aint likely she is going to be given them that.”

The operative nodded. “Good.” He said. “Be prepared for River to be more wanted now than ever before, all your contacts that know river will sell you out.” He warned. “Best you just lay low. I have a job for you… Keep River hidden in the black and on rim planets. I will fund your needs…cant risk your normal interactions with thieves right now. Go to Perthinol, and meet Garvis. He will give you what you need. And please, keep River safe… but if she falls for any reason, destroy her with fire, leave no biological material.” The operative warned. “Even her copse could be used.” He said coldly.”I am ending this transmission now. I bid you good luck and I will contact you again when my plans come more into fruition. Good day.”

Mal narrowed his eyes. It upset him thinking of river dying. He shut off the wave broadcast and turned his chair. How would she react to this news, did she already know?

He heard the padded feet and her even fast breaths. “She is never to grow up.” River whispered.

Mal looked at her eyes filled with tears. “Girls pain, not others, but her own…she will not know life as wife and mother.” He dropped to the ground and Malcolm dropped to the floor to help her. He awkwardly draped his arms around her shoulders.

Mal leaned his head against hers feeling a little of her own pain. He two mourned the fact he had never been husband or father really…He never found the right one.

“Yeah but you could still have children…if you mated with a woman…but I cannot have a child so I will never be a woman. Only child, girl, little one.” She spat.

Mal smiled and tilted her chin to look up at him. “You are a mother.” He whispered. “You had, and possibly still have children.”

River shook her head. “Not mine…really, Alliance, academy, belong to them. Grew in their womb… not mine.” She touched her concave stomach. “empty here…always.”

Mal tucked her in against him on the floor. “It will be alright.” He kissed the top of her head. “It will turn out fine and shiny, just don’t forget about the love you found.” He said thinking strongly on the word love…she had advised him to find something to love, she gave good advice that he too should follow.

“I will be fine captain the pain will ease…perhaps or it will bury its self.” River said looking up at him. Her lips so close he loathed to admit he thought about touching them with his own. It was an embarrassing thought that he hoped she did not pick up on. She blinked a spark of hope in her eyes only to be dashed he wondered? Did she have feelings for him? He shook his head, best not to think about such complicated things and wrong, he added in his head.

River stood and eyed him meaningfully. He was at a loss to understand what it was that went on in her moon brained head of hers as Jayne would call it.

“Thank you, captain.” She said leaving the bridge. “I will not come around…it disturbs you.” She blinked as though broken. Mal reached to stop her, but she was too quick.

Mal rubbed his eyes, the memory of his confusion at the time was still palatable. It was the beginning for him when it came to river, the beginning of understanding her worth to him.


	4. Chapter 4

The days that followed that last encounter were wrought with frustration and conflicting emotions. She had said she would not be around him since her presence disturbed him….what had she meant? It had been five days and he had hardly spoken to River. Whenever he did see her she had run off avoiding him. He tried not to let it bother him but it did. Talking with River the last few months he had realized was the only thing he looked forward too, that and a good fight. But the operative advised them to lay low, and a fight could draw unwanted attention.

Gripping the ships wheel he operated it into the worlds atmosphere and touched the controls. He debated his actions…He needed River. She needed to land the ship. He was never any good and always clipped something. His hand hesitated over the intercom button trying to make up his mind on weather he would order her up to the bridge or not. She had been right….her presence disturbed him. But her lack of presence was more so. He sighed and pressed the button.

“River, come on up to land Serenity.” He said over the com.

River had come as ordered, silent in her entrance. She sat in her seat and belted herself in. Mal handed off the controls and looked at her. Un-realizing he stared.

“You know its rude,” River mumbled as she pushed buttons.

Mal furrowed his brows. “What is?”

“Staring.” She said still not looking at him.

Mal laughed. “well little one, you do your fair share of that yourself.” Kicking back still not taking his eyes from her. It had been days and he did not realize how hungry his eyes had become for her image. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head of the thoughts that came to mind. Reminded him of a vulnerable feeling and he shuddered.

River still pressed buttons her face emotionless. He studied her for a moment longer as she glanced his direction.

Unable to say nothing any longer he took a breath readying himself to speak.

“Captain…I already know.” She started before he could say anything.

Mal looked at her confused. He was going to speak but he hardly had any idea what he was going to say.

“Words…not fully formed. No need to be said.” She said. “The girl will always remain in your eyes, shaming you. I wish you no pain but as long as you see the girl and not me I will feel your shame.” She flipped a switch absently.

Mal sat silent at her words. What was she saying? He looked at her and saw a young girl, she was right…but his thoughts were starting to dwell heavily on the fact that she resembled more woman than girl.

“That is because I am a woman. Well supposed to be.” She looked at him evenly.

He looked away ashamed of his thoughts. “What have I told you, Little one?”

“Your thoughts are very loud right now.” She said.

Mal looked away. They were mid decent so he could not get up and move about. They nearly landed. The pick up with Garvis was scheduled and then they would go back out to the black after picking up many spare parts and fuel. Mal sighed. He wondered when he would see action again.

“You really enjoy being in the thick of it?” she asked.

Mal squinted. “Stop it.”

River smiled widely at him, “Cant always.” 

 

Away from river later that day he allowed his thoughts to dwell on River as he did more often. More girl than woman he reminded himself. Garvis was a portly older man, seemed he could hardly walk.  
“Our mutual acquaintance left me this and some instructions inside.” He whispered in a dusty tavern. It was a none traceable alliance money swipe. It could be used to pay for anything.

“thank you Garvis.” He said leaning close. “I thank you for your discretion.” He stood and exited with Zoe.

“You think we can trust him?” she asked.

Mal looked at her sideways. “Cant near trust anyone.” He laughed. 

Mal had contemplated heavily on the subject of river being a woman, but always came to the same conclusion….that he was a dirty old man. To notice her womanly charms was perverted of him. He washed his face every morning in the sink trying to wash the nightly images out of his head. Dreaming of her had become a constant. She was always a woman, and he had no shame. One night it was too much for him. His dreams had been so vivid. His hand touching River in his bunk. His lips tasting what he wished to sample. He shook himself awake and went to the bridge. A dark shape rested in his chair.

“You cant sleep little one?” he asked.

River looked at him sadly and shook her head. “How can you call me little one, when you have dreams of me like that?” she said a single tear escaping from her eye.

Mal felt as though he had been punched in the gut. She knew even of his dreams.

“I see things I don’t wish to see, not meaning to intrude but its like dust in eyes. I hurt because you don’t like to dream of me.” Tears falling in her eyes. “my dreams are either nightmares….or you.” She whispered.

Mal sat in the chair looking into her eyes. He needed to sit or he might pull her into his arms.

“River… You are very young.” He cleared his voice trying to take the emotion out of it. “Not a girl anymore, but still too young for the likes of me. You will meet some young man and fall in love and thank me for saying that one day, besides I do not support relationship between crew members.”

River looked up at him her eyes cold. “Zoe and wash…Simon and Kaylee.” She cleared her voice. “You considered Inara your crew.” She shrugged. “I will never find anyone. Why find a young man to fall in love with and never be able to give him children….or understand the pain I have endured and still go through. You are a fool for not seeing that and you will never receive my thanks for that service… I will still have my own dreams and you yours.” She stood and left him. But being alone with his thoughts was not comforting.

Mal kissed her head. She was in his arms now he reminded himself. And she would not likely leave them again. He nuzzled into her and she sighed In her sleep. He had her now. It took him long enough.

River had born his shame well. She was silent on the subject for some time. He saw her pain. He could not stop his thoughts however. He fought himself constantly reminding himself of the reasons why River was not a good person for him to involve himself with. But that did not change the face that he increasingly tired to argue against himself.

It was when the alliance had nearly caught up with them, he had sat crouched against the door shooting out into the dust. It was a desert planet and the ship that hovered near was kicking up so much dust that he could not tell the direction of the ship. River pushed Jayne back and crawled on top of him. Mal found himself outraged at the provocative position of her long legs. Her skirt riding high in such a tantalizing way. River turned and looked at him sternly and held three grenades in her hand and Jayne outrage.

“Those are mine.” Jayne sputtered as River stood and headed purposefully to the door.

“River, No!” Mal stood running to her but ducked as a bullet wizz’ed by his head. He laid back praying River made it.  
River had run out the door ran tucking herself and rolling. Bullets hit the dirt around her but missed. She moved and dodged, acrobat’ing her way. She threw one grade calculating it to land inside the landing gear. The would have disabled it, she rolled sideways dodging bullets hailing on her she felt a sting against her cheek where one narrowly missed her and leg now burned. She knew she was hit. Rivers mind calculated and envisioned the ship above her though she did not see it. She heard the grenade blast and fire rained down on her, singe'ing her hair. She gripped the other two and pulled their pins. She counted holding them in her hands. Laying on the ground she finally threw them and willed herself to move fast.

Not fast enough River ran and was thrown forward from the blast. She felt things hit her in the back and she cried out. Pain, she laid on the ground searching her mind for alliance… silence was met. She had killed them all.

Her body started feeling numb and she breathed with difficulty.

Opening the door Mal took in the wreckage and saw her body. Her pack was peppered with small wounds. Shrapnel. He cried out and knelt at her side turning her over. She was still alive. He touched her face. “Darlin, why?” he asked.

River smiled. “Only way. Did the math…We were all going to die unless I did something.” She whispered cause it hurt to speak.

Mal choked on his words he wished to say. He could not face the possibility she was dying.

Mal lifted her in his arms carefully praying this would not be the last time. He rested his chin on her head breathing in her scent. His feet guided him to the land rover. He held her in his arms and commanded Zoe to drive. Jayne limped and made it on. Zoe radioed Serenity, “Simon, Ready yourself for Surgery. River is in a bad way, Kaylee warm up them engines. We are coming in Hot, we need to get out of here.”

“What? How long do I have.” Simon asked.

Zoe looked at the engines and pushed them. “Bout 5 min.”

Mal held river. “Captain, I am still here.” She whispered.

“Darlin,” he whispered. “Hang on, stay with me.”

River touched his cheek. “Do you see me now?”

Mal felt tears burn his eyes. “yes, little one. I see you now.” He whispered. “Don’t leave.”

River closed her eyes. “Cant leave you captain, my…” She felt her blood seeping from her body. It all hurt but being in her captains arms she tasted heaven before her possible death. She was silent now and Mal allowed tears to fall. He held her tighter in his arms. This cant be it. He pleaded with god in his mind.

He laid her in the infirmary unconscious. He looked at her one last time and raced to the Bridge. They did not have long before the Alliance surrounded this small desert planet. He flipped his switched and pulled up. He had to be steady cause simon had to work. He maneuvered as delicately as possible. He prayed, like he had in Serenity Valley. God please don’t abandon me like you did then.


	5. Chapter 5

Simon worked tirelessly in the shaking ship. Then it smoothed out once in the black. No gravity resistance. River was now under sedation and he was closing wounds. The bullet wound on her leg had cut a few large arteries but not enough to bleed out completely before simon could repair them. He cauterized and sewed her up. The shrapnel in her back was bad. Lots of small pieces of metal. Her back peppered. A few had come dangerously close to her spine. He sewed them up as well. Kaylee had taken over at the ships wheel. She was not particularly good, but she could over see controls and a trajectory. They were booking it.

Mal was standing at the window overlooking Doc finishing up with River. He went and sat pondering the girl. He wanted her, he could not deny the fact that he had been unable to get her out of his head. He was a dirty old man and he had a place in a special hell reserved for him. It was impossible for him to imagine her with any other. Her straddling Jayne had triggered the beast in him. He wished to rip Jaynes head off. And words River had once said rang in his ears. She needed to heal. He could not imagine otherwise.

Simon stepped out to address the crew.

“She is stable now. She will wake up.” He said relieved.

Mal closed his eyes in relief and thanks.

“But she is not out of the woods. River had a few pieces of metal lodged near her spine. I got them out but am unsure of the possible nerve damage.” He finished.

Mal cleared his throat. “When will she wake?” he asked.

“Few hours.” Simon said eyeing mal curiously.

Mal nodded and left to the bridge, he bid Kaylee to give him some time alone. He needed the time to think about him and River. He had been a fool. She had said it even then. She knew months ago. But she had woken up, and he had sat by her side when she slept. 

He was up on the bridge a week and a half later. He had lurked in the black with only the stars as company tending to the controls his thoughts constant. They drove him time and time again to check up on River. She slept fitfully, which required him to sooth her. He held her in his arms as she slept and hushed the nightmares away. On such night Simon had come in while Mal slept in the chair at her bedside. Mal rubbed his eyes as he woke up.

“Been with River every night.” He observed.

Mal blushed. “Just keeping an eye on my crew.” He responded standing ready to excuse himself before River woke and heard the embarrassment and shame running through his head. He may still have misgivings but he wanted her… he still should not.

Simon eyed him doubting that he was telling the complete truth. “She had little nerve damage, was able to run the tests. Seems she will make it out of this just fine.”

Mal nodded. “That is very good Doc.” He left his questioning presence. 

 

 

River had healed over the next few weeks, and she had come to him one night on the bridge. He had woken up from a rather vivid dream of River, it had been that she had died instead of lived. He had woke up crying, distraught. Walking up to the bridge he still had his heart in his throat and tears in his eyes. River had made her way up to the bridge silently and put her hand on his shoulder.

“I am still here.” She whispered as she had on the day he nearly lost her.

Mal absorbed her warm touch. “You should sleep. Still healing.” He said hoarsely.

River stepped around him and stood before him in a thin white cotton nightgown. It stopped midthigh. It was the most innocently provocative thing he had seen adorn feminine flesh. “too cold to be wearing so little.” He whispered drinking in the sight of her.

River stepped closer. “I already burn.” She breathed against his neck.

Mal touched her cheek tenderly with his finger and her lips hovered. “You once said I see only a girl.” His eyes searching hers. “I see much more.” His mouth touched hers tenderly.

River broke from the kiss. “And do you no longer hate yourself?” she asked blinking.

Mal groaned pulling her tight against him. “With you in my arms I have not thought but you.”

River had kissed him back and they touched and explored each other. Neither pushing further, just exploration of one another for the first time. In the wee hours of morning he sat in the captains chair with River on his lap.

She touched his cheek. “I know you are nervous of my brother, and what the crew thinks. I think it is fine to keep us a secret.” She kissed his cheek.

Mal looked at her aghast. “No albatross. We will be honest.” He rubbed her back in slow tantalizing circles. She had to know from reading his mind what her form on his lap did to him. As answer to his thought she wiggled in his lap causing him to groan. “None of that.” He whispered.

River looked into his eyes. “Captain.”

“Mal.” He told her. “When its just us.”

“Mal, I don’t want to hear their thoughts yet anyway. I want our feelings to have a chance to grow. Cant say anything cause a storm to our newly growing relationship could be uprooted.” She moved to shift in his lap.

“Alright Bao bei, if it is what you want.” He kissed her deeply, his very male part of the brain wishing to pull up her short hem. It bunched at her torso, and her long dancers legs were bared to his roving hungry eyes.

“I want much.” She pressed herself against him as he sampled the soft spot at her neck.

Mal pushed away. “Too soon, and you are healing. In good time.” He said pushing her gently to her feet. “I want you to go to bed before my resolve weakens any more”

River smiled and kissed him once more. “I am well… but I could use a little time.” She whispered leaving his side.

The rest of his night he could not sleep. Anticipation of possessing River in all ways ran thought his mind. He could hardly believe he had taken the leap. All these months fighting his thoughts and wishes… Hurting her in the process. It was all over, they would start something new.

 

River went to the bridge her steps obvious. “Hello,”

Mal grinned to her. “Hey Bao bei.” He said. “Got something to run by you.” She said.

“What?” she asked kissing his cheek.

“I was thinking, I conjure you might get very lonely in the passengers quarters. …what you say to move up to the crew bunks. There is one bunk open.” He offered.

River cocked her head. “Is the bed the same narrow one that is in yours?” she asked.

“How do you know how narrow my bed is?” he asked.

River looked at him surprised. “I am a reader. I can see things…and your bed is small. If you are offering me a place…can I change some things in my new bunk?” she asked slyly.

Mal laughed. “Like what color?”

Rivers eyes twinkled as she shook her head. “larger bed. The beds on serenity are so narrow. I need a wider bed…for the lover that will share it with me.”

Mal smiled slyly. “I thought you would be sharing my bunk.” He protested.

“is that a proposition?” she asked.

Mal kissed the corner of her mouth. “Perhaps…In time.” Weaker than the usual.

River giggled and stepped out of his reach. “too small for us.” She whispered tantalizing.

The word us rang in his ear. They had been sneaking about for a week. Stealing passionate kisses in darkened corners.

River was in her quarters with Jayne, and Kaylee. The bunk had become extra storage space and needed to be cleared out and sorted. Kaylee was helping with reconfiguring the bed.

“Say River? What you need such a large bed fir?” Kaylee asked. “I conjure little slip like you tucks in most anywhere.”

River blushed. “I move a lot in my sleep.”

Jayne stepped forward, “Yeah I do too. Fell off my bunk one night and nearly blew my head off. Vera was loaded.” He laughed. “Might need to do this to my bunk, once I get with a steady woman.” He said.

River heard his thoughts. They tended more and more favorably toward her by the day. Some of his thoughts made her mind race. He was a very dirty minded man….no more so than Mal. Only she had wanted to live his thoughts. Jaynes just disturbed her. And they were funny…he wanted to always come out the savior with her swooning at his feet. Which was funny to her.

River looked at him and he shied away as Mal called down to them. “Hey do I still have a crew? Or my I going to have to put out adds for replacements?”

Kaylee rolled her eyes. “helpin River captain. Mighty shiny you allowing her to move up here.” She said.

“well we need to land for some groceries, I was thinking it could be a good time for Kaylee to go pick up a new mattress for Rivers bed. He eyes the wideness of the new frame. He could not deny a level of satisfaction spread through him.

“Aliright Cap’n sounds shiny.” She grinned.

“River, I need you up in the bridge.” He said his eyes communicating.

River climbed up the ladder following him. Her room was almost ready, and her and Mal were too she grinned secretly, she skipped up.

“Hey Bao bei.” Mal said standing up and wrapping her tightly in his arms. “You have been avoiding me lately?” he asked kissing her.

River smiled. “No, just getting things in order.” She said.

Mal kissed her deeply once before allowing her to land the ship. Both eyeing each other meaningfully.

That night through dinner, mal felt tense anticipation he could hardly wait for their quiet time in the bridge. Once River brushed up near him as she passed and he unconsciously pulled her against him briefly before he realized what he was doing. He looked around embarrassed and was gland none seemed to have noticed. Tonight he would have her in his arms… He would just need to be patient. 

Up in the bridge Mal waited, but she never came. Mal opened the door impatient to find out what was holding her up. He heard voices down in her new bunk.

He dropped down the ladder and smiled at River. “We got ourselves a party down here.” He said jovially.

Simon rolled his eyes at him. “No…River just made herself a new bed in her new room you have allowed her. Cause you permitted it I have no ability to refuse her.”

Mal looked confused. “Why would you refuse her?”

Simon looked at him as though he was stupid. “She is unstable, I need to be near her.” He claimed.

Seems she is the same distance from you here, as she is there. Besides she is all alone in the passenger deck, you abandoned it for the engine room. Zoe, Jane and I are all close by. I will keep an eye on her.”

Simon looked to river. “Well we shall see. You keep an eye on her, I am counting on it.” He said.

Kaylee popped her head down. “Oh hey cap’n. Simon, I though you said you would be only a few minuets. I told you just to drop off the curtains…not give her the third degree.”

Simon started climbing the ladder. “I am coming. Sleep well River…tell me if you need anything. A soother might be-“

“Simon!” kaylee said impatiently.

Mal stood firm waiting till he knew they were gone and closed the distance between himself and River. “You left me waiting.”

River smiled. “I know…could not leave while Simon was here.” She held him and crushed her lips against his.

Mal broke the kiss. “We must be patient.” He sighed. “The bridge.” He indicated with his head. River climbed up ahead of him. Her skirt allowing him view of her hidden charms.

Up in the bridge they sealed the door. And were back in each others arms. Unable to keep their hands from each other.

Mal pulled her on his lap but River readjusted and straddled him. He groaned pulling her against him. River pulled at his shirt and unbuttoned it.

“River they are awake.” He cautioned.

Unswayed she continued unbuttoning his shirt her fingers warm against his bare chest. “I can hear them in my head remember?” she replied kissing him with renewed vigor.

“I am a bad old man.” He whispered against her lips. She chuckled against him. Her skirt riding up temptingly. He thumb caressed her bare flesh, River pulled at his pants a part he assisted her with pulling her dress off her shoulders. It bunched around her waist and he touched her intimately.

“I am dreaming little one.” He whispered.

River kissed him hard releasing his maleness and settled herself down on him. Mal groaned as he thrust up wards. River cried out in pain and Mal sobered a little. “Shhh. Bao bei, we are one now.”


	6. Chapter 6

Mal had felt lighter in the weeks that followed. River an him made love whenever possible and were lip locked most other moments. He had to admit that they talked less, allowing their bodies to say what both had difficulty saying.

Serenity had turned into more of a pleasure cruise what with the funding to not have to worry about jobs and what not. They just floated from moon to world staying for the most part in the black…where they belonged.

River was up on the bridge overlooking the controls when the wave came. Mal had heard it and ran up to listen. The operatives image came up.

“Captain Reynolds.” He smiled easily. “Very glad to see you and river Tam well. Stay clear of trouble?” he asked.

Mal smiled and touched Rivers knee, unseen by the operative. “For the most part.”

“I have some news. I see it as good… But River may not feel the same.” The operative grew serious.

River’s knees buckled and she stepped out of screen away from Mal. He knew she was aware of what the operative was going to say.

“Go on.” Mal prompted.

“Her children…they have all been destroyed. It was a extreme win on the growing factions that I have been a part of. I do not enjoy destroying infants…but River and you must know that their brains were tampered with from day one. They were not children…they were experimentations, abominations of the Alliance.” He explained. “I will forever be haunted…It is not what I wanted… But it does help the cause.”

Mal glanced to River who pulled up her knees and sat weeping. He longed to go to her but remained seated. “That is somber news. But why do I get the feeling that is not all you have to say.”

The Operative shifted in his seat. “I need you to go to Saperia. The alliance is on the hunt and they will question all you know. I am paying all the people to go into hiding with you. Inara, Badger.” The operative sighed. “And with great difficulty, Gabriel and Regan Tam. They were next to be tortured and questioned. They be killed or rat you out. Best to just be with you for now.”

Mal sighed punching the the coordinates cringing inside thinking about meeting the parents of his lover. “Then what?” he asked.

The operative rolled his eyes. “There is a moon, Permothsen. Small, owned by a childhood friend of mine. I gave him a call and asked if I could send you his way. He is trustworthy when it comes to me… His moon is paradise in some places. I recommend you go there. It’s a small population moon. Stay out in the wilderness and under no circumstances is River to go into towns. It is well populated in the towns and most are alliance supporters, purchase of supplies will be fine, but only send in one that the alliance would not recognize easily.”

Mal narrowed his eyes. “Sounds like the lions den.”

The operative nodded. “The aim is hidden in plain sight…right in their back yard so to speak. He has assured me that eh radar will go down a week from today, and wont be repaired till the evening. You will be able to slip in and move about without a flag of a Firefly in the area. I recommend you to not be late, he will not be able to pull the radar down again and I know of no safer place for you in the coming days.”

“So where we headed now?” Mal asked.

“Keplin.” Small over lay in the outer rim. Rough territory. I can guarantee their safety, but you will be on your own after the pick up. I suggest you use the shuttle for gun cover should you need it. but you are no stranger to a little action.” The operative smiled. “Its not alliance so I think you should be able to handle it.”

Mal nodded.

The operative nodded in understanding as well. “Two days on Keplin then.”

“alright.” He nodded.

He shut of the wave and announced to the crew that they were bringing on passengers and of the changed course. Mal turned it off and took river into his arms. “I am sorry Bao bei.”he kissed her head and smoothed her hair.

River shook her head. “My children… I had children.” She said looking far off.

Mal looked into her shattered eyes. “River come, you must lay down. I will get your brother. He needs to know about this.”

River nodded and stood without word and went to lay down.

“I will come to you when I can, darlin. Just get some rest till I can come to you, Dong ma?”

River turned and smiled sadly. “Your concern is so loud, its keeping me in this world.” With that she disappeared down into her quarters.

Mal ran off to talk to simon, who in turn rushed to River. He waited, maintaining his distance, though it tore him up. He sighed and stood looking through to the hall waiting for Simon to leave so he could go to her. Patience was not one of his strong points. Simon came back out and jayne was sitting at the table.

“she would not take a soother. Just mumbled about something…” he ran his hand through his hair uncomfortable. “She was mumbling something about needing a lover?” he shook his head.

Jayne perked up and his eyes grew wide. “Well hell, im up for it!”

Mal felt his anger rise at his personal mercenary. “Airlock, Jayne….Airlock.”

Jane looked out raged. “What? Crazy off limits to me or something? She is of an age to make decisions like that. Why Kaylee was just a gorram girl when she started messin around with the boys.”

Mal strode over to Jayne with purpose. “Not on my boat.”

Simon stepped forward and nodded. “I second that. River is too young for you anyway.”

Mal winced at that last statement. After all he was four years older than Jayne.

Jayne shook his head. “Age don’t matter, cept legal.” He stood and picked up his guns. “If River wants a lover I maintain I would be more than willing.”

Mal flexed his fist. “And I maintain that you make any attempt I will put you in an airlock faster than you can make it into her bed, besides I would like to see you get through her Brother.” He called after the retreating Jayne.

Simon eyed him speculatively but shook his head as if to put a thought from his mind. Good, mal thought. “I am turning in.” Mal said clenching his jaw.

“Night” simon groaned said going in the opposite direction.

Mal looked behind him slyly to be sure none saw him go into rivers bunk. Once inside he closed the hatch and locked it. He pulled his suspenders off his shoulders and shed the rest of his cloths. Mal felt the warmth of her body and he wrapped himself around her. “I am sorry Bao Bei.”

River sobbed. “I am not even sure exactly what I am sad about.”

He toyed with her hair as she spoke.

River turned to look at him. “I grieve for the wasted lives. Love should have create them….or Passion.” She buried her face in his shoulder. “created for power, Made to own and control. The blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh never knew freedom. Never had a chance….a life of their own.”

Mal enfolded her in his arms. “I know.” They did not make love that night, but he remained with her all night. He did not slip away in the wee hours…he stayed at her side offering her his strength. Which posed as a bit of a risk, on account of nearly being caught by Jayne when he himself emerged from his own bunk.

“Just wake up?” he asked looking at Mal’s disheveled appearance. “Never seen you so….” His voice dying off. Thought of being thrown into the airlock again did not set well with him.

Mal rubbed his eyes and lied. “Rough night.” 

 

Badger and Inara made their way onto Serenity. Even from her own quarters she could feel her parents irritation and anger at being bussed about to the rim worlds. Simon and Mal on the other hand were in the cargo bay to welcome the four new passengers.

“Good to see you Badger.” Mal said friendly.

Badger looked at him and smiled wide. “Stuck on your gorram ship, never thought I see the say.” He crossed his arms and looked about. “Say where is that lovely piece that calls named me king o’the hill.”  
Mal laughed. “I think she said Little king, and little hill. Keeps to herself, for the most part.”

“Well that’s a gorram shame. I would not mind sharin a few words with her again, par of the only reason I agreed to go on this little venture.” He looked over at Inara, opportunistically “Well Ellow miss.”

“That, and the fact you are being paid for your time. Got to be a perk there.” Mal shrugged.

“Hello Bager.” Inara said quietly. “Hello again Mal.” She smiled seductively.

“Your shuttle is as you left it.” He nodded to the door.

Inara smiled and went up the stairs with her trunks being carried behind her. “Well I hope so.” She smiled at him welcomingly. “Please feel free to join me for tea after we are in the black.”

Mal felt uncomfortable about the welcoming glances she gave him. He looked away and spoke to Zoe as a middle aged couple entered his ship. “Well, I suppose you are Mr. and Mrs Tam.”

Gabriel looked down his nose at Mal. Taking in his lower status attire. “Yes. Now kindly we would like to speak to the captain of this…..” He asked gesturing with little respect.

“Serenity, and you are speaking to the captain.” He laughed and smiled at Zoe.

Gabriel actually stuttered. “Well…ugh forgive, my uh….”

Simon stepped forward, “Forgive your ignorance, lack of respect? Hi Mother,….Father.”

Gabriel looked away at his wife how closed her eyes as if in pain. “Simon. You have really done it. We have been taken from our homes and our place in society. We are nothing now because of the shame you and your sister brought our name.”

Simon Ground his teeth but Mal spoke up. “Seems to me, your son has more courage and brains than either of you….How is it such gorram bone heads could produce such   
brilliant….Honorable children?” Mal asked. “Now for our mutual sanity, the passenger dorms are there….Keep to them save for meals. Our food is meager at best but I am sure you can take it.” He warned.

Regan Tam jumped at the curtness of the Captains tone. She was concerned about him and the company their two children had been keeping for some time.


End file.
